we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize