Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
You were trust falling into bushes
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I need to align my fucking chakras
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
