I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
try to milk me bitch
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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