just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
