I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
