I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Randomize
