hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
