everyone is single if you try hard enough
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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