i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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