I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Randomize
