Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize