I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
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