a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
