Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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