i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
