my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Randomize
