If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
