im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
