i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
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