Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
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No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
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If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize