that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
