Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
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I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
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Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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