Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
He told me they were just razor bumps!
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
