I just cut my nipple shaving
You can't motorboat a personality
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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