when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
