pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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