I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
