My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
