I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
