We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
