Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
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