my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
