If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
