I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
