ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
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