Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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