i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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