You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
