How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
