paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Randomize
