worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
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