i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.