"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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