Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.