So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”