I think scott just propositioned me for sex
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Randomize
