Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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