Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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