Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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