we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
