I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Randomize
