Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
