I wish I could teleport
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
