I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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