Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Randomize
