He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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