My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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